Big Ten Cancels NFL Season, Christmas

The Big Ten Conference is continuing its pursuit to upend the latter half of 2020. Already facing heavy criticism for suddenly shutting down the fall football season out of nowhere, the Big Ten on Wednesday announced it was not allowing the 2020 National Football League season to be played, and it was also cancelling Christmas. 

“Unfortunately we had no choice,” said Big Ten Commissioner Keith Warrant. “When we saw the NFL proceeding with its season, and that Americans seemed ready to enjoy a much-needed holiday season, we felt it was necessary to step in. You know, for the good of the kids.” Warrant, who was wearing a comfy-looking yellow robe while I was speaking to him, then sat back in his recliner and lit a cigar. 

Several prominent figures from the NFL and American business community were blindsided by the decision, but most of those whom we spoke with pointed out there was nothing anyone could do. 

“Sadly, Keith Warrant runs everything,” said Cowboys owner Berry Bones from his new house on the moon. “There’s nothing anyone can do.” 

President Donald Frump weighed in on Twitter multiple times, calling Warrant “a boring loser,” though even the President conceded there was no way to fight back. His final tweet on the subject read: “Your favorite president would fix this in a hurry - but no power compared to Keith becuz of Dems mess!!! #DRAINTHESWAMP” 

While some may have foreseen the shutdown of the NFL season, almost no one was prepared for the cancellation of Christmas.

“I love Christmas,” Warrant said. “I love Christmas as much as anyone. Red and green, great colors. Problem is we don’t know anything. Have you read the news? We don’t know anything, so we can’t do anything. And I mean anything.” 

One random woman I spoke with outside a Target in Seattle wondered why the conference didn’t open up a broader conversation with the schools, coaches, players and their families to help create a better understanding of its concerns while also hearing feedback from the very people it’s affecting. 

I floated this idea to Warrant and he shot back with a sincere look of bewilderment. “I don’t even understand what you mean by ‘conversation.’” Warrant then leaned forward and lowered his voice: “Honestly, if everyone keeps acting like babies, I may have to look at cancelling New Year’s.” 

Asked what he meant by that, Warrant responded: “Maybe we’ll just stay in 2020 forever.”