President-elect Joe Biden Reverses Course, Nominates Members Of Fantasy Football Community For Cabinet Posts
**The following is a piece of satire. Joe Biden did not do this and it is unclear whether he plays fantasy football.
WASHINGTON -- Today, President-elect Joe Biden announced key nominations for a number of his cabinet positions based on his experience playing fantasy football this season.
“I won the championship game in all three of my home leagues,” said President-elect Joe Biden. “It’s clear to me that fantasy football players and analysts are some of the brightest and most ethical people we have here in America. It is time to be pragmatic. In my experience, no one does that better than the leaders in the fantasy football space. We will have hard-working people in every position focused on making the most optimal, +EV decision possible.”
Mr. Biden believes the decision to use NFL fantasy football players and analysts will result in a more efficient government that will ultimately save tax-payer money, while also ensuring a safer, more prosperous America for all.
Below are the list of nominees and positions.
Secretary of State Liz Loza: Ms. Loza is experienced, savvy, and has top-notch communication skills. She will represent America’s interests admirably across the world.
Attorney General JJ Zachariason: Mr. Zachariason has a unique ability to be succinct while focusing strictly on the facts. His dedication to the truth makes him a perfect fit for the position.
Secretary of Energy Brad Evans: Always at a 10, Mr. Evans has a truly electric personality and he will work diligently for all Americans.
Secretary of Transportation Matt Harmon: Mr. Harmon has spent countless hours studying routes with a passion that’s incapable of fully being expressed here.
Secretary of Health and Human Services Stephania Bell: Ms. Bell will bring excellent operational chops to a position that’s more important now than ever. She has an illustrious career covering and discussing health concerns.
Secretary of Labor Evan Silva: No one has put in more time for the people than Mr. Silva. He will continue to dominate.
Secretary of Defense Adam Levitan: To acquire Mr. Silva’s talents it was a requirement to bring aboard Mr. Levitan in some capacity, and it’s true he has a knack for choosing low-priced defenses on DraftKings.
Secretary of the Interior C.D. Carter: Even we aren’t sure what this position is for, so in some way this nomination makes perfect sense.
Secretary of Agriculture Dr. David J. Chao: Honestly we just wanted Chao to be apart of this administration in some capacity because he is a true professional in every way. He may not be qualified for this position, but we’re confident he’ll figure it out soon enough.
Secretary of Treasury Condia: With years of experience handling large sums of money, Condia is fully qualified for this position. We’re allowing him to wear pajamas on the job. Also, he already drives a Lamborghini.
Secretary of Commerce Nelson Sousa: Mr. Sousa is business savvy and understands what it takes for leaders to create and sustain successful operations. He is also funny on Twitter.
Head of Small Business Administration Nick Ercolano: Mr. Ercolano will bring immense experience with YouTube analytics, which is really all small businesses need anymore.
