An Unleashd Short Story: Tom Brady And Antonio Brown Go To Space

THE STORY THAT FOLLOWS IS A WORK OF FICTION. AS TO THE BEST OF THE AUTHOR’S KNOWLEDGE, NONE OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TO SPACE.

The hatches on Tom Brady’s sleep capsule unlocked at 5:33 AM, just as they did almost every other morning. Tom sat up, took a deep breath, spent 30 seconds considering what he was thankful for, then smiled. He began to remove all the monitors from his body that tracked his sleep patterns. They sent the information to NASA for examination each morning. 

Tom swung his feet out of the capsule and into a pair of Bugs Bunny slippers. 

He went through his typical stretching routine, until he heard his wife Gisele’s capsule unlock. “Good morning, my dear,” said Tom. 

“Good morning, my love,” said Gisele.  

“I am very much looking forward to another wonderful day together,” said Tom. 

“As am I,” said Gisele. “I am going to go make our morning smoothies now, as I do most days. What type would you prefer?” 

Tom closed his eyes to consider the question. “Carrot.” 

Gisele nodded. “Very well.” She turned to leave the room, but standing in the doorway wearing zebra print shorts and a large gold chain was Antonio Brown. He was eating a popsicle. 

“Morning,” he said. 

Gisele screamed. Tom said, “AB… what… what are you doing here? How… how did you get in?”

He pulled the popsicle from his mouth with a smack. “I still have a key from when I was living with you guys.” 

“I never gave you a key,” said Tom. 

“I know,” said Antonio. 

“Where did you get that popsicle?” asked Gisele.

Antonio raised his eyebrows up and down mischievously. 

Tom shook his head. “Dude, what do you want?”

“I’m thinking we need some team bonding before the Bowl.” 

Tom sighed. Antonio continued. “You know I’m healthy, right? I’m gonna get to play. Saw it on ESPN.” He put the popsicle back in his mouth. 

“Yeah, AB, I know. You don’t need to watch the news for that stuff, the organization tells us all that.”

“Don’t trust them,” he said. 

“Tom,” said Gisele, “we’re now four minutes past schedule on our smoothies.” 

“Go ahead, my sweet princess,” said Tom. “AB is just here to talk.” 

Antonio smiled effusively as she left the room, then turned his attention back to Tom. “Come on, let’s just have some fun today. I think Mr. Arians would come with us, too.”

“AB, you can just call him ‘coach,’” said Tom. 

“He told me before he’d be down to do something together. Us three. What do you say?” 

“I don’t know,” said Tom. “I don’t want to get off my routine.” 

“Ah forget that” said Antonio. “We have a whole other week! It would be good to unwind. Relax your mind.” 

“Alright,” said Tom. “Let’s do it.” 

Antonio took the last bite of his popsicle and tossed it down the hallway. “Hell yeah!” 

“You’ll have to pick that up,” said Tom.

“I know.” 

***

Although Tom insisted multiple times he could drive his own car, he and Antonio pulled up to Bruce Arians’ house in Antonio’s 95 Honda Accord. Tom refused to ask about it. At one point during the drive, however, Antonio, unprovoked, said “How about the bumper on this?” Tom had no idea what to say, just nodded. 

Bruce came outside wearing nothing but a bathrobe that was loosely tied in the front, leaving him, for the most part, completely exposed. Seemingly undisturbed by this, Tom walked up the stairs to the front door saying, “Hey coach, how are ya?” 

“Tommy Boy.” said Bruce. 

“Coach!” yelled Antonio, sprinting up the stairs, arms extended. Bruce turned to go back inside. “You guys can come in.” Antonio frowned. 

They walked back to Bruce’s kitchen. In the center of the room was a large island countertop with hundreds of pictures of Elvis sprawled across it. 

“Just going through some things,” said Bruce, taking a drink of orange juice. 

“I see…” said Tom. 

“I love it, coach!” said Antonio. “I’m a huge Bon Jovi fan.” 

Something on the floor cracked. They looked down to see peanut shells scattered everywhere.

“What’s up with this?” said Tom with a slight laugh.

Bruce looked at him blandly. “I like peanuts.”

“Oh,” said Tom.

Antonio stepped in. “Listen, coach, we want to do some, like, team bonding ahead of the Super Bowl. Just us three. Maybe get a little weird?”

Tom grimaced. Bruce, still expressionless, said, “You guys are trying to get banged up?” 

In unison, Tom said “No” and Antonio said “Yes.” 

Bruce nodded and said, “I know just the place. I’ll get my hat.” 

“Maybe some pants, too, coach,” said Tom. 

Bruce grumbled as he walked into the other room. 

***

They arrived at Stacy’s Gentlemen’s club at 1 PM ET, with the Tampa sun shining bright overhead. The building was old. Weeds had long ago overtaken all the landscaping around the property, and the paint was chipped off on all sides. Several bulbs were burned out on the neon sign that signaled the landmark’s location to passerby.

Inside the building the air smelled like a high school gymnasium. Looking at the floor, Tom said, “This doesn’t feel sanitary.”

“They have great steak here,” said Bruce, giving a familiar wave to the lone waitress leaning against the bar painting her toenails. “Been coming since I was a little boy.” 

“This just ain’t it, coach,” said Antonio. “AB don’t like this at all.”

Bruce sat down at a circular table in the back corner. There were only two other men in the place, both sleeping in their seats near the stage. 

“Tom, what do you want to drink?” asked Bruce. 

After thinking for a moment, Tom said, “A Budweiser and five shots of vodka.” 

“Well, damn,” said Bruce. “Antonio do you--”

Antonio was walking toward the stage, doing a strange type of hop/dance. To no one in particular, he yelled, “Hey, turn this music up!”

Bruce hadn’t really noticed the music that was playing, but right then “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls began to blare. Antonio made a face like, “Isn’t this awesome” before raising the roof and dance-walking toward the stage. 

The waitress set their drinks on the table. “Thanks, Cynthia,” said Bruce. “How’s Donald?” 

She shook her head. “Still working like a dog. What else is new?” Bruce held up his beer in response as she walked away, then turned to Tom, who was tossing back his vodka shots in rapid fashion.

“Tom,” said Bruce evenly. “Maybe take it easy.” 

“Seven would take me beyond the GOAT,” said Tom, gazing up at the ceiling. “I’d be a god.” He leaned back and drank his Budweiser. On the stage, Antonio was twerking on the head of one of the sleeping patrons, laughing hysterically. 

Bruce grumbled an obscenity and drank his beer. 

***

Not long after that, the three of them cheers’d to winning the Super Bowl, not knowing that Antonio had splashed a couple drops of LSD in their drinks… it wasn’t a lot, but it surely could be blamed for what happened over the next few hours. 

After several more drinks, Antonio asked Tom if he could use his phone. Tom reluctantly handed it over, asking why he didn’t have his own. “Minutes,” said Antonio, talking loudly to be heard over the music that was now overwhelming due to his several requests to turn it up. “It’s true,” said Bruce. “They get ya.” 

“You two are fucking idiots,” said Tom. 

“What?” said Bruce.

By that point Tom looked flat out angry. His cheeks were flushed and he was doing this weird thing with his jaw. 

“HEY TURN THAT DOWN” yelled Antonio suddenly. “I have a phone call!” The music stopped. Tom’s expression changed from anger to astonishment as Antonio stood up on a chair for the call. Bruce was still sitting, drinking his beer, looking at the stage. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” said Antonio on the phone. “No, not Kanye, it’s AB. Yes!”

Antonio put the headset against his chest and looked at Tom. “It’s Musk… Elon.” 

Tom smiled broadly. 

“Yeah, Elon, absolutely,” said Antonio on the phone. “Yep, hey I was hoping I could go up tonight… Uh huh, uh huh. Yeah, I understand taking a rocket to space usually involves hundreds of people. Yes, I understand how expensive it is. Yes, I drive a Honda Accord. Okay. Okay. Okay…”

During this back-and-forth, Tom had stood up to listen more intently to the call. A waitress brought Bruce a steak with a side of four green beans. 

Antonio hung up. “Alright, I got us a ride. To outer space, bitches!”

“Brilliant!” said Tom. 

Still eating, Bruce pointed his knife at his steak. “Gotta finish this.” 

Antonio and Tom nodded, sat back down.

“Pass me that ketchup,” said Bruce. Tom handed Bruce his shoe. 

***

Elon greeted them at the launch site. “AB, how you been man?” 

“Hey Elon,” said Antonio. “Just so you know, we’re tripping a bit.” 

Behind him, Bruce was doing karate moves and Tom was laughing. 

“Ah nice,” said Elon. “Is that why Tom’s missing a shoe?” 

“Exactly.” 

“Well, I have an appointment later tonight,” said Elon, “so let’s get you guys dressed and be on with it.” 

Inside, there were three space suits hanging on the wall, and one of them had the number 12 emblazoned on the front. 

“Nice!” said Tom. 

“Seriously?” said Antonio. “How did you even get that made so fast?”

“Just remember,” said Bruce putting his hand on Tom’s shoulder. “No one is above the team.” They both laughed. Elon said: “Ha ha ha.” 

When they were dressed, Elon walked them to the rocket and opened the door. “This is Dennis,” said Elon, introducing the astronaut sitting before them. Dennis turned around and waved. “Hi Tom Brady. Hi Bruce Arians. Hi Antonio Brown.” 

“Hey,” they said together.

“Alright, I’ll leave you guys to it,” said Elon. “Enjoy outer space. It’s great you’re tripping!” 

“Are there bathrooms on here?” asked Bruce. 

Elon closed the door and they got settled into their seats. A few moments later, the rocket began to shake. “Here we go!” yelled Antonio. And off they went, fast into the Florida sky, before the second rocket released them into the realms of space. 

Once far above the earth, Tom was touched by a deep appreciation for human existence he never felt before. “Wow,” he said. “Everything is bigger than I could have ever have imagined. I’m bigger than I imagined. My life is. My purpose. I need to quit everything. I need to leave my wife.” 

“I… I wouldn’t do any of those things,” said Antonio. “Especially that last part.” 

Tom continued. “I mean what am I doing with my life? Playing a game? I’m meant for more.” He began to unbuckle himself from the seat.

“Tom, Tom, Tom, please don’t do that,” said Antonio. Bruce chuckled and pulled a bag of peanuts from his pocket. “Why do you have those?!” Antonio asked him. “Love peanuts,” said Bruce. 

Tom jumped out of his seat toward Dennis, bumping into him and pushing him out of his seat. “What are you doing?!” yelled Dennis. 

“Let me fly!” Tom shouted. He cracked his knuckles and began to hit buttons. 

“No!” said Dennis. 

“Let’s go!” said Tom with a maniacal look on his face. The engines fired up again, sending the rocket full speed back toward the earth. Tom didn’t panic, though. When Dennis tried to approach him again, Tom delivered a stiff side kick to his sternum that sent him back to the floor. 

“I am the captain!” Tom screamed. “I. Am. The Captain! I am the GOAT!” The maniacal expression remained on his face as he piloted the rocket, until he eventually located the landing site. “This is the balls!” he said as they neared. Eyebrows furrowed tight. A tight grip on the yoke. Get ready for landing, people!” Then, to himself: “Tommy’s back.” 

The wheels hit the ground and the rocket bounced a couple times, before coming to a firm landing, gliding to a standstill. 

“Nice shit!” said Antonio.

“Woooo!” said Tom, chest bumping Antonio. 

“Not bad,” said Bruce, as he put a peanut in his mouth. “A little bumpy, though.” 

“Oh, coach,” said Tom, as he, Antonio, and Bruce all laughed together heartily.

Dennis was weeping in the corner.