Unleashing Report Week 14: Jalen Hurts & Christmas Lights
What is up everyone, thank you so much for dropping in here to check out the latest edition of the Unleashing Report, my weekly article where I write about some fantasy shit and also some other random shit that doesn’t really matter. It’s all you need to read each week to feel happy.
I’m sorry I missed last week’s report. I was too busy preparing for the FFPC league championship game, which we lost in embarrassing fashion. Ah well, there’s always next year. Oh, and this year!
LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
That should be pretty lit. And in the meantime, my DFS game has been heating up. My galaxy brain landed on the Patriots D this past week, and helped me win the FantasyUnleashd DraftKings league. HELLO!
I’m back!
Man, I was really getting into a nice flow state writing this before my wife came in and tried doing the dance to that new Body song because she saw it on TikTok. DAMN KIDS! I’ll just have to turn on the “Feelin’ Myself” playlist on Spotify to get back in the groove here…
That’s better.
We’re entering the playoffs for season-long leagues, and let me repeat this: it’s all shit! I’m over season-long fantasy, besides high stakes stuff. I’M TOO COOL FOR THAT OTHER SHIT. Nothing says upper middle class like ditching your home leagues to play only FFPC.
If you are in the playoffs or whatever, congrats I guess. The problem for me is that season-long leagues require so much time for just a limited payout. Oh cool I get $1,000 for 250 hours of work.
Isn’t it about the fun, Josh? EAT A DICK! We’re trying to get into the Hardwood Suite at the Palms. As a father, I now have the right to use the phrase, “I don’t have the time or the energy for…” and I’m going to say that I don’t have the time or the energy to manage multiple teams. I mean, I have the time, and I have the energy, but I just don’t want to.
Speaking of energy, I went to my local community center yesterday and used the rowing machine. Since we’re still in a global pandemic, you’re supposed to sanitize every time you use a machine.
I got off the machine and kinda walked a few feet away to stand there and ponder my next move since I don’t have any type of plan when I work out and just make shit up. When I turned back around, this OLD ASS guy, I mean like 85, was sitting on the rowing machine, wiping off the handle, while giving me THE DEATH STARE.
He was really trying to make me feel bad for that, and I wasn’t letting him. Don’t pull that shit with me, Saunders, I do my part to stop the spread. I wear my mask and wash my hands! I WASH MY HANDS ALL DAY! And what are you even doing there anyway? Can’t you use your social security money on a treadmill? Wait what am I even talking about.
Here’s the unleashing report for week 14 in the NFL (National Football League [American Football] {tackle}).
IN FANTASY FOOTBALL…
Jalen Hurts
I know I’m not a genius. I didn’t know where my elbow was when I was entering preschool and I still don’t quite understand how taxes work. What is a personal exemption? Why can’t you just do this shit for me? Really frustrating, especially when you’re terrible at keeping track of important documents like me.
But while I’m not a genius, I began saying that Jalen Hurts should have been the starter more than three weeks ago, but Doug Pederson didn’t have the balls. Poor Carson! But we paid him! We can’t possibly do that! Oh except now we can, after sitting through that impossible shitshow for three weeks like something was going to change?
It was clear several weeks ago that things just felt better when Hurts was in the game. Will he be “good”? Maybe not, but he won’t be impossibly bad, either, so that’s an improvement! Hopefully you picked him already in fantasy since it didn’t take much foresight to see this coming. The problem is that he plays the Saints this week who’ve been executing at a high level defensively, or so say the experts.
Cam Akers
Akers randomly took the lead role in the Rams backfield last week, and he did a decent enough job. He’s off the injury report heading into the Thursday night matchup with the Patriots, so we’ll watch and see if he can carry this momentum into another week… or if the Rams will suddenly not give him the ball anymore. Pay attention to the usage this week even if the boring Patriots slow the game down and limit Cam’s production, because the Rams have the Jets in week 15.
Aaron Jones & Derrick Henry
These two fine gentlemen get their favorite matchups this week, as Jones and the Packers face off against the coach-less Lions, and D-Henry gets to go against the Jaguars. While Jones absolutely torched the Lions earlier this season, the Jags actually held Henry to 3.4 yards per carry and zero TDs in their 3-point loss to the Titans in week 2. But it’s December now, and the Yeti could be unleashd.
The Giants?
What in the hell? Why are the Giants playing good? Their defense has suddenly been one of the best in the league, and now they’re back at home to face the downtrending Cardinals who will be traveling across the country. Kyler Murray’s expert consensus ranking is down to QB9 this week.
Cole Beasley
YOU KNOW IT! 33% BEST BALL OWNERSHIP ON ALL PLATFORMS. 2020’S WR19 IN PPR SCORING. HE. IS. A. WIZARD.
IN THE REAL WORLD…
Christmas Lights
We’ve discussed before how Americans seem to be expressing their Christmas spirit earlier and earlier each year, and not only that, but in general it has seemed that people are taking their Christmas lights game to the next level.
Even in my small hometown I’ve been blow away by the effort some people have put into their light displays. And not even the effort, but the MONEY. My goodness, have you seen how much some of those inflatable characters are at Home Depot?
what in the actual fuck
Once you understand how expensive some of these things are, you can start doing some really sad math when you pass a house with four Rudolphs in the front yard. “Jesus, these people have at least $600 invested in inflatables in their front yard alone!”
Not only that, but I didn’t realize how many people pay for professional help in this department. The only rich-people street in my town had multiple trucks parked one night with dudes who looked like Ocean 11 putting in work on their houses. Where does it end?
For me and my family, we keep things very modest. Some icicle lights with a couple pre-light miniature Christmas trees on the porch. I like where we are, but next year I’ll be considering some garland.
Ohio Sports Betting & Weed
There’s some sports betting bill being passed around Ohio, but of course there’s all these questions and complications around it so I don’t understand what’s happening. At least they’re still trying though.
In the meantime, the House of “Representatives” recently passed a bill to decriminalize marijuana at a federal level. Of course, this won’t pass the Senate because Mitch McConnell is a boner, but again, at least they’re trying!
Someday… someday America will cross that sweet, sweet threshold where legal weed and legal sports betting will come together in the true apotheosis of this country.
Taylor Swift
NEWS ALERT, we have a surprise T-Swift album!
IPOs
Lastly, let’s just point out that the stock market is still insane. DoorDash just went public this week, and the stock jumped about 80% in the first day. Next up is Airbnb, and trust me there’s been plenty of other newcomers that have seen their stock skyrocket. What could go wrong?!
$4 to $80? Why not?
Alright, Australia, that’s all I have for now. Make sure to have plenty of spare batteries around.
