How To Tell People You’re A Professional Fantasy FootBall Player

I don’t know exactly what it takes to be a professional fantasy football player, but damned if we’re not on our way. I think we’ve done over 500 best ball drafts among the three of us here at FU, and this is just the beginning. I’ve fallen asleep while drafting multiple times. I draft in my dreams. Drafting is my dream.

Anyway, I guess being a pro requires at least being decent. Hopefully we’re decent, but only time will tell. For now, we’re doing our best. 

The question to me is how to properly explain to the world this obscure profession and how it’s come to be such a whimsical treasure for people all around the planet. Let’s go over a few specific scenarios and how you can handle them if you’ve recently become a professional fantasy football player. 

Your Significant Other

If you’re married or in a serious adult relationship, it may be jarring for your partner to hear you’re making the leap to become a professional fantasy star. After all, statistics show you’re more likely to become a brain surgeon. It’s just the facts. Properly navigating the ventricular system with precision and delicacy for 14 straight hours with someone’s life on the line is easy. Executing a valid zero-RB strategy, however, is a feat very few people will ever accomplish. 

So when you’re explaining to your partner that you’re joining the fantasy elite, they’re likely to be hesitant. Some may even respond bluntly: “What the hell are you talking about? Are you still going to work? I thought this was just a phase. Fantasy football? Your parents have always told me they were worried you’d never grow up. I think I’m going to leave you.” 

If this happens, just take a deep breath, and begin to randomly list the prize pools for some of the largest fantasy contests. Make sure not to bring up the fact that the odds are overwhelmingly stacked against you to actually win these types of contests and you’ll likely waste hundreds, maybe thousands, of dollars on what are essentially lottery tickets. If they do question your chances of success, you can say things like:

• “You know how much I study.” 

• “Cmon, how many podcasts do I listen to?” (followed by a smile and head tilt)

• “Don’t you think I’m smarter than those other guys?”

• “I’ve been playing since I was 7!”

• “Oh so you can spend $120 a month on hot yoga but I can’t do what I want?” (followed by an overdue fight that results in a breakup… congrats, more time for fantasy!)

Your Parents

If you’re like me, your parents likely put pressure on you to be all you can be. I’ll never forget when my dad said, “You never were the brightest kid, but I at least thought you’d have a job by 27. Please get out of here.” He really opened my eyes that day. I didn’t know I could set the bar so high for myself. 

Despite these high expectations, I wasn’t afraid to tell my parents that I was making the heroic choice to join the professional fantasy ranks. “Psh,” my father said, while never looking away from the TV. My mom smiled slightly, nodded, and then asked if I wanted something to eat. I may have been expecting more questions, but I think their lack of a response was because they have so much faith in me. 

Some parents may not be as accepting, so make sure they understand that as a professional fantasy player, you have a flexible work schedule, meaning more time for family and friends. What a beautiful gift! 

At A Party

It can be strange to explain to people at a social gathering that you’re a professional fantasy stud. For one, you may feel some apprehension because you don’t want to make them feel bad about their miserable existences. They probably have a “real job” and have to wear clothes to work. No one is surprised at a party when they are told someone’s a pilot, construction worker, or lawyer. Each of those answers will be taken in stride and followed up by pointless and predictable small talk that no one really gives a shit about.

But when you drop the bomb that you’re a fantasy sensation, it could be followed by an awkward silence. Be prepared to fill that void by giving some highlights of your research, the contests you’ve done, and some insights into current ADP if it’s the offseason. 

Coworkers 

After first becoming a professional fantasy superstar, you may need to keep your day job for a while. You can be sure that after only a few days in the “big leagues” word will soon begin to spread throughout the office that you’ve made it in life. Though you will still be at your job, the writing will be on the wall that your life is taking off and you’re leaving your pedestrian coworkers in the dust on a professional level. 

It’s important that you still be nice to these people; you don’t want to burn bridges. Make sure to explain that as long as you’re at the company, you’ll do your best -- even though you’ll all know it’s complete horseshit and you’re over the pointless day-to-day tasks that consumed your life for seven years. You can say things like: 

• “It’s just a side gig.” 

• “Who knows if it’ll even work out.”

• “I figured I’d give it a go.” 

• “I’ve already won a few hundred thousand dollars so far.”

You should casually shrug after saying any one of these options. It’s important not to make a big deal about what is actually an awesome change in your life, so it doesn’t seem like you’re piling on your coworkers for how pitiful and empty their lives will be in comparison. 

Hopefully this has been helpful. I mean, $120 a week for hot yoga is pretty ridiculous. Talk to you all soon.