Tilt Time With Beaver: Single-Gamer Theatrics
YOU ARE A SICK FISH IF:
You get excited about what you’re currently winning during a single gamer
Send a screenshot of your lineup before the game’s over
Tell somebody that you are ONE CATCH away from winning thousands of dollars
I did all three of those things on Monday night and tbh I’m not really that ashamed of it. I’m an eccentric chap and I like to have fun at all times so I'll continue to sweat my single gamers out with pride.
What I won’t do is what makes you even more of a sick fish than what's listed above and that's get down on myself when it doesn't come to fruition. More or less, I’m saying don't be a little bitch and throw a hissy fit that ruins the time of those around you because you “got screwed out of x amount” That is unacceptable. Nobody’s allowed to bitch but me. And that's only because this world is fucked in the head and people draw pleasure and confidence from the sorrow and despair of others. Even more so in mine, because I’m ugly and obnoxious and people love to see me fail.
Well, feast away you filthy animals! I've got enough pain to support your hippocampus (?) with endorphins (?) all week! I don't know if that's how that works or if anything I just typed made sense but it's Friday and we gotta pump this shit out quick so I’m just gonna keep going.
Monday Night Football. Bears vs. Vikes. In the aquarium (Fanduel). Dalvin’s comin off 38 and 48 (both of which I faded). Plenty of value to fit him in. 90%+ projected ownership. So of course I faded him. I typically fade anybody projected for over 75% ownership in single gamers. Plus, I was pot committed so it was an easy choice.
The alternative path was even easier. I pivoted straight to the Cousins triple stack for direct leverage off of Dalvin. This was particularly obvious because it seemed clear that the Bears offense was inferior and that the 4 v 1 construction had a great chance to be optimal. I chose Allen Robinson as the runback who was expected to carry a fraction of the ownership of Nick Foles. Dalvin busted (on 34 TOUCHES!!), Cousins was the high scorer and Robinson outscored Foles. Sounds like the brinks truck should have been pullin up right? Not quite.
We failed to account for a somehow chalky Cordarelle Patterson (even though Vegas was on Nall for significantly more opportunity) taking the second half kickoff to the house.
Even after the Patterson touchdown on an otherwise boring game, I was nutted. And miraculously, I was only duped by one other person on a lineup that, quite frankly, should have been chalk. I stayed in the top spot all the way to the end. I briefly fell into second with a few minutes to go before Kyle Rudolph got loose for a big gain to put me back in the lead.
On the next play Captain Kirk took off on a 25 yard scamper that got called back. The Vikes would have taken knees and put the tourney on ice. Instead DALVIN COOK of all people, the fade of all fades, took a couple carries that squeezed the combination of him and Patterson into the optimal and I dropped into fifth as I tilted my face off over the sudden turn of events.
BUT WAIT.
THERES STILL 45 SECONDS LEFT!
The Bears are getting the ball back. The Vikes are going to be in prevent and nobody jockeying for the win has ARob! (or any of the Bears besides Patterson).
The more I think about this, I gotta be the favorite to take it down at this point. I'm looking at a minimum of 4 Foles pass attempts that the Vikes will be keeping in front of them. The vibe had quickly turned back to optimism. I mean you would think the all-pro receiver with the 30% target share would be the recipient of one of those balls. Well ya can’t say they didn't try. On the first play Foles rifled one to Arob on a short out route that missed so badly you’d have thought his family was threatened by the mob. On second down he was rightfully obliterated on a sack that forced him out of the game. You gotta be kidding me. It's OK though! They had a timeout! EVERYBODY STAY CALM! We’ve still got 2 plays left.
In steps proud member of the Citizen Potawatomi Nation, Tyler Bray, lookin like a socially awkward 5th grader that just pissed himself at grandmas.
Maybe he just looks nervous. He's got 6 years of NFL experience, a vet. Surely, he can will one to the Robinson. Not quite. On his first attempt the resident muffin baking champion tossed a lollipop that ARob nor any other Bears pass catchers were even in the general vicinity of.
Ya, we’re fucked. This dude can't even keep his hands from shaking long enough to throw a spiral. One more play. Remote in hand. Ready to hit the power button and sleep this one off. Wow, the Vikings are lined up in a ridiculously deep prevent. Holy shit there like 40 yards deep. NOBODYS ON AROB. HE'S RUNNING A CURL. BRAY’S LOOKING AT HIM. OMG HE’S THROWING IT TO HIM!!! HE COMPLETED IT!!!!!
To the guy in the third row.
I'm not kidding you, he put it in the stands. Somebody legitimately took the ball home as a souvenir. Shawn Bradley wouldn't have got a hand on it.
I lost the tournament by .3
“Babe I know we have reservations at the Springfield Grill tomorrow, but I’m feelin McDonald’s. I could really go for some McDonald’s.”
